Epilogue

Since I've abandoned you for so long, the story has [nearly] ended.

From Then To Now:
The Government shutdown. It re-opened.  I went to Poland for two weeks (details to follow).  I'm still basking in my pre-mid life crisis.  I'll be going home soon.  Afghanistan doesn't get any better as the weather gets colder.  Yup, same ol same.

Polska:
Poland was amazing!  I was in Bydgoszcz escorting a group of Afghan military and police members to training.  The travel was very "interesting" however.  First, while getting searched at Kabul International Airport I'm almost positive the lady went to 2nd or 3rd base.  Only because getting "hands on" is the only way to get down in Afghanistan I'm sure.  Transiting through Doha and Dubai were a wirlwhind, but apparantly there is something rather suspicious about one American female traveling across the world without a passport with a group of 60+ Afghan men.

After two (literally) days of traveling we finally made it to Bydgoszcz and stayed at the most oppulent hotel I've ever seen and experienced first-hand.  I felt like a recently freed prisoner.  Having a bed larger than a twin size, a bathroom to myself, and merely strolling along without battle rattle and a pistol were great...weird, but great.

Between my days on duty at the training center, I shopped my head off and allowed my inner Foodie to explore all of the restaurants that my belly could handle.  Traveling back was equally interesting.  While traveling through Warsaw or Gdanszk (I can't remember exactly), the female Polish TSA equivalent did an equally through pat down.  Unlike the curtained area they have for women in Afghanistan, this pat down was at the security gate in front of everyone.  Maybe she confused my dress as a shirt and my leggings as pants, but either way she lifted my dress completely up with all of my business exposed.  I was a little bothered and upset, but if that will thwart terrorism and keep bombs off planes, I'm game.  

WAIT, I almost forgot the first day at the training center:  A Polish Army Major introduced himself to the other three escorts and I (there were two U.S. Army officers, and Italian Army officer, and myself...AIRPOWER).  Anyway, he went on to tell me that my time there would be laughingly interesting.  I didn't think anything of it, and then one of the Afghan interpreters that traveled with us said "It's because you're black ma'am".  So um yeah.  The first night we went out for dinner in Poland, there was a black guy (I'm thinking he was from the U.K. based on his accent), he yelled across the room "What's up my black sister!"  I forced an awkward smile and said hello.  He asked where I was from, and while I wanted to say Djibouti, I told him the U.S.  He responded, "Oh, like New York".  I just said yes and went with it.  Sometimes less is more.

I also took over 100 photos with the Afghans once they warmed up to me.  They were very intrigued by this non-veil wearing black skin girl.  Two other guys from the training, one New Zealender and one Polish, stated that they observed how graceful and polite I was despite all of the request for photos.  First, I've never heard those words in describing me.  Second, I realize that I'm a "rare form" and I went on and was a representative of all dark people and obliged their request. Black people all across the world, you're welcome.

And so the saga that is my pre-mid life crisis continues.  It's been nearly a year already and I haven't quite gotten a grip on things.  I'm currently on Day 4 of The Purpose Driven Life, sand I feel there is still hope and with a reality check and leap of faith I'll get this whole thing figured out.

So my contdown back to the states has officially begun.  I'll write as much as possible and update you on the antics as they occur.  I suppose you can call it a prelogue to my reintegration in the foreign world and life I left behind in May.

 

Fiscal Year 2014

*Due to the Government Shutdown Afghanshenanigans is offline*

HELP!!!

Ok, I'm definitely in that "I can't believe I'm still here, send me home already, someone take me out of my misery, I NEED to see my hubster and babies, this can't be real life" phase of my deployment.

In recent news:
Water shortage-Some wise Afghan individual(s) decided large trucks would be restricted from traversing throughout the city. Why is this such a big deal? BLACKWATER. So our little cramped camp reached 75% capacity and the water that wasn't essential to DFAC operations was shut off. Billeting (most of them) was left on. This only lasted a day, but it was the SCARIEST day of my life. Can you imagine??? Ok, maybe you can imagine like during the Battle of Gettysburg, but not circa 2013 OPERATION ENDURING FREEDOM for us regular non-special forces type folks. I'm just sayin.

XFit:
Yup, I did crossfit like 3x. I realized I'd much rather lift weights and do average cardio. That's all.

Geek Squad:
I kept recieving a certificate error while frivolously surfing the internet. It was determined that my computer needed to be re-imaged. Our IT folks "backed up" my files...fast forward to a day later; got my PC back, reconnected to network, and files transferred back to my computer. Oh wait, ALL my files weren't backed up...hold on, none of my files were backed up? Isn't that just peachy! Hey General, umm I know you're looking for that thing I was working...but I kinda don't have it -_-

So now, I just continue the countdown until my trip to Poland. Did I ever mention that to you? If not, I'll get to spend two weeks out of lovely Afghanistan to go to Poland. I'll have to endure living in a hotel downtown, eating at restaurants, wearing civilian clothing...oh the agony.

I'm off to grab grub, for what is hopefully 1 of 8 remaining steak nights. We shall see.

Thanks for dealing with me. Adios mis amigos.

WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT

I almost forgot to mention that I am leading a volunteer mission to collect donations for a local children's hospital. A story appeared on cnn.com in 2009, unfortunately the conditions have not improved. (Would post link, but I lost it with my files). I went there a few weeks ago and what I saw hurt my heart.

What we need:
Hand Sanitizer
Disposal Diapers (all sizes)
Gauze
Band-Aids
Gloves (sterile and non-sterile)
Any hygiene items
Antiseptic
School supplies (especially pencils and paper)

Where to send items:
CSTC-A Chapel VCR
APO, AE 09356

Our FB page: https://www.facebook.com/#!/cevcr

Squirrel

Thank God for ADD, otherwise I'd never get sidetracked from work long enough to update this thing.

So what's new:
1)  I'm skinny again (aka happy in my mind).  Well maybe not skinny, but my workouts are paying off and I shed the beastly post pregnancy body that I was dragging around.  Every woman should deploy and leave a 4 month old baby at home -_-

2)  My living arrangements have been upgraded.  No more cohabitating with a roomie in a 4x10 (literally) room.  My new place also walks out onto a patio; I'm on the 2nd floor so it's kinda sweet.  It's only four females in the building and we're all on the 2nd floor and I think the guys are getting used to having estrogen in the building.  We stay in our space and them in theirs.  It's quiet, the wifi is great, and best of all...no more roommate!

3) No matter how much I gripe, moan, and complain, I still embraced the suck that is deploying and leaving behind my family.  I've missed birthdays, will miss my Anniversary, a whole bunch of "firsts", but at the end of the day this will be one of the most purpose-filled events of my life.  OH CRAP GUNFIRE

******************************
Ok I'm back.  Something about soccer, Afghan beating India.  Celebratory gunfire.  *shrugs* Did anyone tell them it's 9/11 and there is an INSANE AMOUNT of firepower in the area itching to be used???

I suppose I should be doing something "deployed" like at the moment.

--Signing off--

Advice on Life

How to simulate life on Camp Eggers (or any location in Afghanistan) at home.

1.       Take a trip to your nearest wholesale store (e.g. SAMs, Costco, etc.), buy two pallets of bottled water, and stack several cases in every corner of your house.  Make sure you drive down a dirt road with your windows down to give the cases of water a nice coat of dust prior to placing them inside the house.

2.       Take a sledgehammer to your walkways, patios, and driveways.  Create as many holes and uneven surfaces in the cement to maximize the number of ankle and fall injuries to your family and friends visiting.

3.       Go to your nearest hardware store and rent a tractor.  Rip up all your grass and replace it with rock gravel.  Make sure the gravel is small enough to get caught in the tread of your shoes so the inside of your house is littered with gravel that has clung to and fallen off the bottom of your shoes.

4.       Remove all plumbing traps from your sinks and toilets so the whole bathroom smells like you walked straight into the septic tank.

5.       Tear down and rebuild the walls surrounding the toilet in your house.  Make sure the dimensions measure no more than two feet wide by four feet deep.  Position the door in front of the toilet and close enough so when sitting you cannot shut the door without hitting your knees.

6.       Cut your shower stall foundation or bathtub in half, keeping the existing vertical walls in place.  Position the shower head to direct water into the area where the foundation and bathtub was removed so that water goes all over the floor and floods the bathroom.

7.       Place a pile of fine dirt in the inner edge of each air conditioning duct.  Crank your air conditioner on high to blow the dirt through the vent and inside the house, creating a fine layer of dust over everything.  Have the family assist in dusting everything off that evening, then place dirt in each of the ducts again and crank your air conditioner on high the next morning.

8.       Work a deal with the post office to take any packaged destined for your residence and run them over several times with the mail truck prior to delivery.

9.       Every time you or your family needs to take a vehicle somewhere, generate an email to all those in your neighborhood requesting use of their vehicles.  The email must include all passenger information (e.g. blood type, known allergies, etc.), risk assessment, and impact to the mission if vehicles are not provided.  Make sure to return the vehicles with little to no gas remaining, a few of the tools missing from the tire changing kit in the back, and the ‘Check Engine’ light on.  (Note, if the vehicle did not originally have the ‘Check Engine’ light on and was not activated when you returned the vehicle, you did not drive with an aggressive posture and must repeat driver’s training).

10.   If performing action #9 above, assemble the family outside the vehicles and perform a convoy briefing.  Go through varying scenarios (e.g. a vehicle breaks down, your convoy gets split by a ‘yellow light’ traffic signal, etc.) and immediate actions required.  Assign driver and truck commander responsibilities.  Ensure you have a minimum of two people per vehicle.  If you do not have enough children in your family to meet this requirement, include a request to borrow the applicable number of children, driver qualified of course, in the email you send to the neighbors.

11.   Place a sign on and chain the door to the laundry room shut, citing the laundry room is closed due to septic tank levels.  Maintain closure for several weeks at a time, or until your family has worn the same underwear at least three times over, whichever comes first.

12.   Sneak into the laundry room, remove random articles of clothing from the baskets, and place them in an area where no one will ever find them.  Make sure to pick one sock from a couple pairs in the basket prior to permanent removal.  When a family member asks you if you have seen their ‘favorite shirt’ or ‘the other sock that matches this one’, just shrug your shoulders and give a look like you do not understand what they are saying or talking about.

13.   Establish a neighborhood policy that all vehicles transiting the neighborhood streets must have one ground guide per vehicle.  The ground guides must be in full personal protective equipment (PPE) when performing these functions.  Bicycle helmets and ‘Ironman Repulsor-Blast’ gloves are acceptable substitutes for children performing as ground guides.

14.   Call a family meeting.  Describe and show your family how much you've given them (housing, food, education, etc.).  Have your family, one at a time, go on a 30 minute diatribe about how you haven't given them enough and that the things you've given them are the wrong brand.  Afterwards, thank each of them for their contribution and tell them that you are working hard to resolve those problems.

15.   Remove all silverware and dinnerware from the house and replace with plastic utensils, Styrofoam/paper cups, and the thinnest paper trays money can buy.  Make sure the entrée and side items are placed in the tray compartments with an excessive amount of liquid stock so that it soaks through the tray and becomes a complete mess.

16.   Install an overhead industrial fan several feet in front of the trash can.  Plug in the fan and turn the knob to ‘Hurricane’ setting.  Make sure the position of the fan is close enough to the trash can so that, when attempting to dispose of your plastic and paper dinnerware, they are blown off your tray and scattered across the floor.

17.   Hire at least eight random strangers to stage themselves at each residence access point.  Arrange them in a line, four feet separating each person, and instruct them each to ask anyone approaching the residence, including family, for identification.

18.   Wake up at random times throughout the night and repeatedly open and slam shut a door.

19.   Fill your bedroom with as many bunk beds as you can, leaving no more than two feet of space to walk through.  Be sure to fill all the bunks with strangers who loudly enter and exit the bedroom at obscene hours in addition to not silencing their alarm clocks on the one morning a week you get to sleep in.

20.   Paint a green diamond on each exterior side of all houses in the neighborhood.

21.   Grab the grocery list off the kitchen counter and make your way to the store.  Buy everything on the list and think how great the menu will be this week.  On your way home, take a portion of your groceries and dispose of them to account for pilferage and spoilage.  What is left should be that which is required to make baked fish, stuffed green peppers, and turkey wings.  Repeat this process over several months.

Welp...I've Got Nothing

My brain has officially shutdown, on top of that, I'm completely 'over' this whole deployment thing.

I know I'm barely on the heels of being halfway there, but I've reached my peak of forced positivity.

Very little amuses me anymore, yet everything annoys me, and I'm running out of wit-filled snarky comments and my respomses are just down right rude.  Plus, no matter how hard I clinch my eyes shut and click my heels Toto and I still can't seem to get back to Kansas.

Random thought:  One of the most amusing things about being a Captain is having Lieutenants call me ma'am #evillaughter *cue thunder*

I'm going to continue to scarf down a Hot Tamales dinner and attempt to top my high score on Word Mole. 

Peace out my faithful followers.

...until next time.

Signed,

A Disgruntled (Junior) Staff Officer

16 Days!

Has it really been 16 days since we last talked???

I thought I could maintain daily or at least multiple time per week updates...so much for that.  Maybe I'll start with weekly then work my way back up.

Let me open my calendar and see what's transpired over the past two + weeks:
Well it looks like I've only done the usual-training, meetings, and squeeze in my workouts.

I did start Dari lessons on Sunday...session #2 was today, and I'm pretty sure I want to quit.  When I first deployed I thought that it would be good to pick up a few habits to help me stay busy and occupy my time.  The truth is, there is no "my time, she time, her time, me time". 

I have made a resolution to stop working 16+ hour days.  Not because there isn't work to do, but because most days I'm the ONLY one working.  If people want to go hang out, smoke cigars, watch movies and do other crapity crap crap crap, then I will make myself unavailable to save the day all hours of the night when I can be decompressing in my room.  <BREAK>

I'm at that [almost] half way mark, and I find that I'm missing my "normal" life more and more.  I'm ok with not having to do laundry, cook, wash dishes, etc. but that still beats sucky meals most days, getting laundry back that smells like mildew, and no ice cream or pizza.  Ok, the last two could be worst, but they still throw a pretty big blow. 

Random:  I think I should write a tell-all memoir.  What do you think of "Confessions of a Disgruntled Staff Officer".  I've tossed the name around social media so I'm sure someone will run with it, and I'll be left blogging to you guys--not that I'm complaining o_0.

I did host some pretty big events last week, work out some pretty awkward personnel issues, and I managed to only give snarky replies to two O-6s.  I'd say I'm actually doing ok.

Those pretty awkward personnel issues:
Folks, if you are deployed (or homestation for that matter) make every attempt not to get in a physical altercation with another service member.  This is especially true if you're say on O-5 fighting with an E-7. 

Also, people have a tendency to end up with a "deployment boo".  I'm not knocking it, per se, BUT if you do decide that you've met the love of your life and you're an officer and they're enlisted just count your losses and not pursue it.  And if you're married...umm yea, it's not rocket science.

Oh snap, it's time for dinner and an old episode of Sons of Anarchy--it's an office thing...small victory.

Kho-daa Haa-fez!