1.
Take a trip to your nearest wholesale store
(e.g. SAMs, Costco, etc.), buy two pallets of bottled water, and stack several
cases in every corner of your house.
Make sure you drive down a dirt road with your windows down to give the
cases of water a nice coat of dust prior to placing them inside the house.
2.
Take a sledgehammer to your walkways, patios,
and driveways. Create as many holes and
uneven surfaces in the cement to maximize the number of ankle and fall injuries
to your family and friends visiting.
3.
Go to your nearest hardware store and rent a
tractor. Rip up all your grass and
replace it with rock gravel. Make sure
the gravel is small enough to get caught in the tread of your shoes so the
inside of your house is littered with gravel that has clung to and fallen off
the bottom of your shoes.
4.
Remove all plumbing traps from your sinks and
toilets so the whole bathroom smells like you walked straight into the septic
tank.
5.
Tear down and rebuild the walls surrounding the
toilet in your house. Make sure the
dimensions measure no more than two feet wide by four feet deep. Position the door in front of the toilet and
close enough so when sitting you cannot shut the door without hitting your
knees.
6.
Cut your shower stall foundation or bathtub in
half, keeping the existing vertical walls in place. Position the shower head to direct water into
the area where the foundation and bathtub was removed so that water goes all
over the floor and floods the bathroom.
7.
Place a pile of fine dirt in the inner edge of
each air conditioning duct. Crank your
air conditioner on high to blow the dirt through the vent and inside the house,
creating a fine layer of dust over everything.
Have the family assist in dusting everything off that evening, then
place dirt in each of the ducts again and crank your air conditioner on high
the next morning.
8.
Work a deal with the post office to take any
packaged destined for your residence and run them over several times with the
mail truck prior to delivery.
9.
Every time you or your family needs to take a
vehicle somewhere, generate an email to all those in your neighborhood
requesting use of their vehicles. The
email must include all passenger information (e.g. blood type, known allergies,
etc.), risk assessment, and impact to the mission if vehicles are not
provided. Make sure to return the
vehicles with little to no gas remaining, a few of the tools missing from the
tire changing kit in the back, and the ‘Check Engine’ light on. (Note, if the vehicle did not originally have
the ‘Check Engine’ light on and was not activated when you returned the
vehicle, you did not drive with an aggressive posture and must repeat driver’s
training).
10.
If performing action #9 above, assemble the
family outside the vehicles and perform a convoy briefing. Go through varying scenarios (e.g. a vehicle
breaks down, your convoy gets split by a ‘yellow light’ traffic signal, etc.)
and immediate actions required. Assign
driver and truck commander responsibilities.
Ensure you have a minimum of two people per vehicle. If you do not have enough children in your
family to meet this requirement, include a request to borrow the applicable
number of children, driver qualified of course, in the email you send to the
neighbors.
11.
Place a sign on and chain the door to the
laundry room shut, citing the laundry room is closed due to septic tank
levels. Maintain closure for several
weeks at a time, or until your family has worn the same underwear at least
three times over, whichever comes first.
12.
Sneak into the laundry room, remove random
articles of clothing from the baskets, and place them in an area where no one
will ever find them. Make sure to pick
one sock from a couple pairs in the basket prior to permanent removal. When a family member asks you if you have
seen their ‘favorite shirt’ or ‘the other sock that matches this one’, just
shrug your shoulders and give a look like you do not understand what they are
saying or talking about.
13.
Establish a neighborhood policy that all vehicles
transiting the neighborhood streets must have one ground guide per
vehicle. The ground guides must be in
full personal protective equipment (PPE) when performing these functions. Bicycle helmets and ‘Ironman Repulsor-Blast’
gloves are acceptable substitutes for children performing as ground guides.
14.
Call a family meeting. Describe and show your family how much you've
given them (housing, food, education, etc.).
Have your family, one at a time, go on a 30 minute diatribe about how
you haven't given them enough and that the things you've given them are the
wrong brand. Afterwards, thank each of
them for their contribution and tell them that you are working hard to resolve
those problems.
15.
Remove all silverware and dinnerware from the
house and replace with plastic utensils, Styrofoam/paper cups, and the thinnest
paper trays money can buy. Make sure the
entrée and side items are placed in the tray compartments with an excessive
amount of liquid stock so that it soaks through the tray and becomes a complete
mess.
16.
Install an overhead industrial fan several feet
in front of the trash can. Plug in the
fan and turn the knob to ‘Hurricane’ setting.
Make sure the position of the fan is close enough to the trash can so
that, when attempting to dispose of your plastic and paper dinnerware, they are
blown off your tray and scattered across the floor.
17.
Hire at least eight random strangers to stage
themselves at each residence access point.
Arrange them in a line, four feet separating each person, and instruct
them each to ask anyone approaching the residence, including family, for
identification.
18.
Wake up at random times throughout the night and
repeatedly open and slam shut a door.
19.
Fill your bedroom with as many bunk beds as you
can, leaving no more than two feet of space to walk through. Be sure to fill all the bunks with strangers
who loudly enter and exit the bedroom at obscene hours in addition to not silencing
their alarm clocks on the one morning a week you get to sleep in.
20.
Paint a green diamond on each exterior side of
all houses in the neighborhood.
21.
Grab the grocery list off the kitchen counter and
make your way to the store. Buy
everything on the list and think how great the menu will be this week. On your way home, take a portion of your
groceries and dispose of them to account for pilferage and spoilage. What is left should be that which is required
to make baked fish, stuffed green peppers, and turkey wings. Repeat this process over several months.
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